joy in marriage

I have been thinking to myself, “Catwoman, what is it that you know? What skills do you have that you can share on hubpages?” I thought about my teaching experiences, and I thought about my writing skills, but then I realized I do have a skill that sits right under my nose on a daily basis, and has for fifteen years, and that skill is maintaining a happy relationship!

            My husband and I have been together for fifteen years, and we are still wildly happy. There is so much deep, authentic joy, humor and pleasure. I feel like the luckiest person in the entire world. Now I am not saying that to brag, but to assure the reader that he/she can trust me.           

           I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I make no promises, but if you are having trouble in your marriage or union, you may wish to heed the firsthand experience of someone who is experiencing true bliss – a marriage and intimacy, in the mind and soul, and, yes, in the bedroom, that gets deeper and richer as each day goes by.

            Certainly marriage is work, and if you are not both equally inclined to do that hard work and reap the rewards, you may not be able to stay afloat. But if you are equally committed but you are not experiencing the joy and comfort that marriage ought to encompass, read on. I truly believe my husband and I are the single happiest couple I have ever met!

            Humbly, I proffer a list of techniques that work for us! I had never really thought about it before, but our lifestyle incorporates these techniques every day!

1. Never never break that chain: No matter how much it hurts, and trust me, it will hurt like hell, never close the door to your communication. Never walk out on your partner when he/she is not finished speaking. This is the single most destructive action you can take in your relationship. It is so hurtful when you just walk out, slam the door, leave, or allow one of you to sleep all night on the couch because you two haven’t resolved your issue. Get to the bottom of it. It is phenomenally painful work. It is worse than mucking out the dirtiest stable! The reason talking it out hurts so damned much is that when you talk it out, you have to face yourself too! All barriers come down, and you are in an extraordinarily vulnerable position. But if you turn your back on that talk, if you close the door, you are erecting barriers to the joy that awaits you on the other side.

If you do have to leave, for example, the argument started in the morning and you must leave for work, or you must go and check on the meal in the oven, or the children, tell your partner what you are doing, even if you are furious at him/her. Say, “I am not walking out on you, I just have to ___” Even leaving the room is a break in that priceless, golden chain of communication that should absolutely never be broken.

1. Allow your husband or wife to get into the door and get comfortable at the end of the day before you start hammering him/her with your news or worries. If you have been home for quite awhile, and then he/she walks in, remember that she/he has to get comfortable and settle in just as you did when you first walked in. What were your needs when you first walked in from a long hard day? Chances are, he/she has those transitional needs also!
2. Write ! It is so important to get your thoughts together so you can remain rational and logical and actually make some progress in the give and take of your relationship. Right at the very moment that you are upset about something he/she said or did is not necessarily the best moment to come to him/her about it. The chances are very good that you will be destructive either to yourself, by putting yourself down, or to your partner by saying destructive, cruel things that you do not actually mean, and would never dream of saying in a clear moment! Write down why you are upset in your journal or on your computer and let it breathe for a few minutes. Ask him to sit down with you when you are both calm, and explain your concerns then. Be sure that you have enough time to talk!
3. Follow the golden rule! It may sound like, “duh! I know that already!” but do you? How often do you think of your mate as someone to whom you should be gentle and polite? Someone you should thank and do favors for? Do you treat your mate as well as you would a stranger? Think about how you address him/her. What tone of voice do you use? What kind of language do you use? Be gentle. When you ask him to put the cap on the toothpaste or put the seat down, is there a reason you cannot ask kindly? “could you please…” goes a lot further than “I have asked 100 times and I don’t see why you can’t…”! How would you like to be spoken to? Chances are, aggressive, angry tones and words aren’t your favorite either!
4. Be aware : Are you approaching your husband or wife to ask him/her something or tell him/her something? Be aware of what he or she is doing . Are you interrupting his/her thought process? If he or she is busy, why can’t you wait for a moment, or even ask if your mate could use a hand finishing the chore or project before you share your concerns? If you were asking your employer for help, or needing to tell him/her something, you would certainly wait for him/her to get off the phone or finish writing etc. How much more important your life partner is than your boss! Once again, this is an issue of basic human dignity and respect.

Additionally, if you ask to help your partner, you will get to know his/her life even better than before! You just learned the name of his socket wrench or the procedure he goes through to get paid for his accounting or construction services. Whatever it may be, now you are an even closer partner than you were a few minutes ago, and you didn’t disrupt his/her thought process!

1. Check that nasty attitude at the door!: “Know Thyself.” Inscribed in a temple at Delphi, this is some of the oldest and wisest advice. This is a tough assignment, but if you can do it, you are going to decrease a great deal of hurt and pain in your household: If you are in a bad mood, admit it to yourself and say it aloud so that your partner knows it. Both men and women, women especially, can be deeply hurt by even extremely subtle elements in your communication such as a sharpness in your tone of voice, a snap comment, mumbling and turning away, or a cruel facial expression. Your husband or wife is the very last person you want to hurt in this entire world, and yet because you are so close, you do end up hurting him/her first before anyone else! Simply by eating humble pie for a moment and saying aloud that you are in a bad mood will tell your partner that your aggression is not being caused by something he/she did, and he/she will then not internalize bad feelings or negative energy, or feel the need to close down communication with you or yell at you.
2. Back and neck rubs please! : This does not have to be long, drawn-out or intensely private: Even ten minutes can be a wonderful oasis for your partner. Most of us are trying to balance dual-income households with demanding jobs and a great deal of stress, and most people store their stress and anger in their backs and necks.

This is all about the human touch. Be gentle and feel for the knots. Trust me, you will find them! Try not to talk while you do this. What is wonderful about this is that you, as the masseuse, will still become far more relaxed by massaging your partner, because the process of giving the human touch makes you a healer for those precious moments, and ends up relaxing you too!

I am not a licensed masseuse, but I happen to be very naturally skilled at it. Many have told me that the massage they received from me was worlds better than any they have gotten from professionals! My best guess as to why that is is that while I am massaging, I imagine myself as the person who is receiving the massage, and I think to myself, “what would I like?” My hands truly listen for all the knots and places of tension, and the process is very meditative and relaxing for me and for my husband.

Those of you with children: I know your lives are very hectic, but this is still very possible! It can be as simple as having your husband or wife sit on the floor for ten or fifteen minutes while you sit on the couch, so that you can reach his/her neck or upper back better, etc.

1. Try to see it from his/her point of view: I just told my husband the other night that one thing I think is absolutely wonderful about him is that, even though he will never actually know what it is like to look at life through a woman’s eyes, he at least picks up those strange binoculars and tries to look through them! I applaud him so much for that. Yes it definitely takes a great deal of imagination and effort, but it is worth it.
2. Ask! Building off # 8, ask your partner what it is like to be him/her in that moment! Ask him/her how he/she feels or what he/she thinks , and ask respectfully. Yes, even if you are angry or terribly hurt in that moment! I have had to describe, though tears and sweat, that awkward, clumsy, humiliating feeling of being trapped going in circles of emotion, where logic and reason is waiting past this thick, fish-eye lense, so often a female predicament, I am told, or at least a Catwoman one! --  and if my husband hadn’t followed step 8 while I tried to explain, he would have been building that wall, breaking that golden chain.
3. Say it! If something is on your mind, say it! Don’t sit there imagining what your partner will think, feel or say. Just say it. Don’t turn your back and mutter or keep it bottled up because you are afraid of a fight. The more you learn to express yourself in the moment, the more you will realize that saying it and saying it now really is the easiest and most direct way to conduct your partnership.

But say it honestly and directly, and that goes back to # 6! Saying it is

Owning your mood, too. Acknowledge how you feel and say so. I guarantee a part of that discussion deals with your emotion no matter what the situation is. Let’s go back to that toothpaste cap (a person favorite of mine, since putting on the toothpaste cap is something MPH seems patently incapable of). If my feeling is that I wish to jab both of MPH’s eyes out because he left the toothpaste cap off and the toothpaste has now rubberized and formed its own second cap, and I truly believe that he is retarded and needs to be abused, how much of that is my feelings and how much of it is pure logic? Once I apply logic, I realize that, hey – MPH just has trouble remembering to put the cap on. He is not trying to make me angry. I would prefer that his eyeballs remain in place, ultimately, and not gouged out. So what can I do logically, to help him remember? Could I leave a note for next time? And, more importantly, what percentage of that angry feeling is my bad day, and what percentage is real-life action that he can control?

            Back to that face-yourself thing, I am quite aware that MPH does not appreciate my quotidian habit of leaving a dirty peanut-butter knife on the butcher block, and I do not even realize I am doing it. So I guess I have my faults too, though it is so much more pleasant to imagine myself perfect!

            Your marriage or relationship is, in many ways, a transaction, as unromantic as it may sound. It is a give and take, and you are co-running a household just as a company would co-run a business. Imagine you were a manager and your partner was one of your employees. Your employee has left the cap off some item. White-out, or mayonnaise, whatever . Your goal is not to hurt your employee’s feelings, your goal is simply to stop the bad habit . Is the most successful strategy to march up to him/her and yell in his/her face? Absolutely not ! So, once again, we are back to that whole human dignity and respect thing (see number 5). Separate the human being from the action! MPH is not a toothpaste cap, he is a spectacular man, and he deserves to be honored and respected! And separate the simple action or habit from your attitude or mood. That toothpaste cap is not my bad day and my grouchy mood. It is just a toothpaste cap. Make sure that both of you know where the line between your mood and real life is, and don’t let a stupid toothpaste cap or peanut butter knife flip you into psychosis.

Note: You may be surprised that we have gotten this far in my list and I have not mentioned humor yet. Certainly humor is ridiculously important. MPH and I laugh long and hard practically ever day about all kinds of things. We have stupid, inside jokes, he does hilarious impressions, he picks on me, we play ! But I am not going to just tell you “have a sense of humor” or “smile” or “don’t take things seriously,” because I believe we all have that coveted, deep, authentic humor inside, and it is shaped differently depending on the individual and the couple. Your humor is part and parcel of your marriage. It is in there, and it belongs to you two. But I truly believe that without the other items that I have listed here, your humor won’t be able to come out in a genuine way. No one in the world wants to smile while he’s grinding all the enamel off his teeth, or ignore something that is really bothering him just so he can “lighten up.” That is not real humor. I have seen that kind of advice in magazines and stuff, and I just don’t agree. I feel that saying “lighten up, and play,” when you and your significant other are suffering from real hurt is kind of like telling someone to relax! The more you say it, the more tense he/she is going to get.